This is one of my journal entries..
"I want to journal all, even the dark sides of the journey, cause thats fair, thats even. All sides.
I feel like I'm in such dark places, and then I keep spiralling in, within; in and in. I dunno how is this even possible. And its paralysing, I can't move, how much ever I try. I am in such a dark limbo, and its all in my head, I know. I know some good music or talking to friend, just generally, not even about this..will break it, break the chains that bind me.
But I have no courage, no energy, I want to stop existing..I want a crocodile to bite me, so that Im inside and I can't see any of this world. I want to become as tiny as an atom, and tinier still and then disappear from this planet cause mere existence is too much effort. Effort that I can't take anymore. "
Now I don't think its innately a problem; feeling so anxious and so much fear. It was a necessary part of my journey. What I feel really is the problem is that its 'weird' to talk about such things, even to the closest people. Forget closest people, to even acknowledge it yourself. We tend to self censor and self manipulate ourselves to forget about it once we are out of such spaces, but thats no real solution.
The whole purpose of sharing this is that I feel such conversations shouldn't be weird. In fact it should be pretty normal, at least within yourself and your close ones..If you feeling anything remotely 'not normal', its okay, we all do at some points in our lives, and believe it or not, they do have a purpose too. So be open to sharing with and listening to loved ones around you!
To anyone who wants to have such conversations, I'm all ears!
"I want to journal all, even the dark sides of the journey, cause thats fair, thats even. All sides.
I feel like I'm in such dark places, and then I keep spiralling in, within; in and in. I dunno how is this even possible. And its paralysing, I can't move, how much ever I try. I am in such a dark limbo, and its all in my head, I know. I know some good music or talking to friend, just generally, not even about this..will break it, break the chains that bind me.
But I have no courage, no energy, I want to stop existing..I want a crocodile to bite me, so that Im inside and I can't see any of this world. I want to become as tiny as an atom, and tinier still and then disappear from this planet cause mere existence is too much effort. Effort that I can't take anymore. "
Now I don't think its innately a problem; feeling so anxious and so much fear. It was a necessary part of my journey. What I feel really is the problem is that its 'weird' to talk about such things, even to the closest people. Forget closest people, to even acknowledge it yourself. We tend to self censor and self manipulate ourselves to forget about it once we are out of such spaces, but thats no real solution.
The whole purpose of sharing this is that I feel such conversations shouldn't be weird. In fact it should be pretty normal, at least within yourself and your close ones..If you feeling anything remotely 'not normal', its okay, we all do at some points in our lives, and believe it or not, they do have a purpose too. So be open to sharing with and listening to loved ones around you!
To anyone who wants to have such conversations, I'm all ears!
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