A Guide to the Delicate yet Pervasive art of Self Manipulation

Directly from the expert.

Self Manipulation is, like most others, a complex art. There are various techniques to it. I will share the details of the one I have mastered, through dedicated practice and application over years.

Step 1 :-
First step is very simple. Start with a conclusion, irrespective of its connection to reality. Irrespective of whether its yours or not.
Eg :- I am an Elephant. 
This is sort of a secret step, eventually you will master the art of carrying out this step without even realising it.



Step 2 :-
Identify all information and experiences relating to that conclusion.
Eg :- In school I was taught that I am a Human. Elephants drink water. Elephants can have babies. 




Step 3 :-
Break down all that information and experiences into tiny unrelated pieces. This is the tricky bit, just like meditation, it takes time to master. It can be frustrating. I dunno, lucky me, I did all this unconsciously! :p

Eg no. 1 :- In school I was taught I was a human. 

Separate Eg no. 1(because this and the previous statement are absolutely unconnected) :- Elephants drink water. 

Separate Eg no. 2(because this and the previous statement are absolutely unconnected) :- Elephants can have babies.



Step 5 :-
Now this is the genius bit. Your Welcome!
Now deal with all these pieces of information as independent of each other, use whatever reasoning that connects each of this piece to the conclusion.

Eg no. 1 :- In school I was taught I was a human. But the teacher is stupid, Lol. I am an elephant! Yay!

Separate Eg no. 1(because this and the previous statement are absolutely unconnected) :- Elephants drink water. So do I, I am an elephant! Yay!

Separate Eg no. 2(because this and the previous statement are absolutely unconnected) :- Elephants can have babies. So can I, I am an elephant! Yay!

That way you can use whatever unreal reason you have for every bit, and all of it leads to the the conclusion! Voila! Now how can this be possible if the conclusion isn't true, eh?




Let me tell you, its not easy to start with, but with a dedicated heart and mind, you can achieve anything, no?! All the very best! :*

Darkness, fear and anxiety..

This is one of my journal entries..

"I want to journal all, even the dark sides of the journey, cause thats fair, thats even. All sides.

I feel like I'm in such dark places, and then I keep spiralling in, within; in and in. I dunno how is this even possible. And its paralysing, I can't move, how much ever I try. I am in such a dark limbo, and its all in my head, I know. I know some good music or talking to friend, just generally, not even about this..will break it, break the chains that bind me.
But I have no courage, no energy, I want to stop existing..I want a crocodile to bite me, so that Im inside and I can't see any of this world. I want to become as tiny as an atom, and tinier still and then disappear from this planet cause mere existence is too much effort. Effort that I can't take anymore. "


Now I don't think its innately a problem; feeling so anxious and so much fear. It was a necessary part of my journey. What I feel really is the problem is that its 'weird' to talk about such things, even to the closest people. Forget closest people, to even acknowledge it yourself. We tend to self censor and self manipulate ourselves to forget about it once we are out of such spaces, but thats no real solution.

The whole purpose of sharing this is that I feel such conversations shouldn't be weird. In fact it should be pretty normal, at least within yourself and your close ones..If you feeling anything remotely 'not normal', its okay, we all do at some points in our lives, and believe it or not, they do have a purpose too. So be open to sharing with and listening to loved ones around you!

To anyone who wants to have such conversations, I'm all ears! 

Kuch Kahi, Kuch Ankahi Batein

Akho se jab mili akhein,
Sach ka jaise hua samna,
Kafi sari batein ho gayi,
Ek mehsoos hua raabta,

Kuch machal sa gaya dill mein,
Jeene jaise laga hai woh,
Boht sare salo ke baad,
dhadakne jaise laga hai woh,

Awaaz jab sunayi deti thi tumhari,
Phir chahe woh tumhari sunheri hasi,
Ya pyaar se dost ko pukarna,
Bina control ke chehre pe,
Ye bada smile aa jata tha

Nahin malum yeh kya hai,
Sach batao toh boht darr hai,
Hamesha pyaar ko naapa hai, tola hai,
Par yaha sirf mehsoos karna hai

Na naam usko koi dena hai,
Na kaam usse kuch lena hai,
Bus sachai se judna hai

Translation :p

A lot was said,
Without these words,
When even for a moment,
Ur eyes met mine

Truth revealed,
Masks unveiled,
A connection, I felt

My heart started beating,
It felt alive,
After a very very long time

When I would hear u,
Ur simple, adorable laugh,
Or calling out to a friend *censored*
Without any control
I would have a huge ass smile
Spread across my face

Honestly I'm very scared,
Cause every time I have measured love,
Processed it,
Made a process of it

But this time,
I just want to feel it,
Experience it
Fall in it, get lost in it,
No giving it any labels,
Just being what is true

Suspended Education

I have recently started studying for Actuaries exams and have decided to study it exactly the way I want to, rather than how I'm expected to. In the process, Im trying to use many tools other than what is conventionally available to me. So I try to connect, extrapolate, go back to history(my subjects are math and stats)
In the process I realised that how suspended our education is. I have always been very vocal about my dislike, actually hate for our education system, the mainstream Indian Education; because of its pointlessness and meaninglessness. Nor is connected to origin, neither to effect. By this I mean that neither does it explain where a particular topic or subject comes from (origin) or why you should learn it and how you can use it(effect). Its just some random suspended piece of Information lying in the air. We are beings who work on connection, especially to remember things. So it won't ever permanently become a part of us, this education. And then we wonder why is there no value addition inspite of so much education.
But an interesting insight I got is that even western education (by which I mean UK, USA and the likes, whose education is highly marketed, there might be other western countries doing it differently) is partially suspended, in the sense that it is connected to effect, but not to origin. What I mean is that you know how and where to use what you are studying, but you do not understand where it is coming from, the intuition and organic understanding is lacking. In this process we can forget about it if we get out of touch in using it.
I feel true education, the most powerful empowerment will happen if understanding of both origin and effect, of whatever you are learning, become a part of the system. 

The death of an individual, Part 1

The culture of glory is not good. The culture of sharing only the best, the good, the positive, is not good. Then we only get to see the milestones, achievements, success stories of people.

The doubt, fear, disappointments, aloneness, all gets forgotten somewhere, inspite of being very crucial in the journey. 

This gives an impression that these are not important to the story, the journey. Instead they are weaknesses. It shows a very different picture from what the reality is, and puts a lot of pressure on the individuals in the society. 

Think about it, do we share these moments on social media as casually as we do our fun/happy moments? No. For me, whatsapp status and DP are a sort of an expression of my current state of being and thinking. But when I'm low, ill usually just not have a DP. Is there even such a thing as being sad in photos? 

Now I'm not saying lets all post sad stuff, but all of this is just a reflection of how we are conditioned to express ourselves, to show only a particular side of ourselves. Nor only does it result in our incomplete expression, but it also leads to other people also seeing only part of us. I just feel this isn't right. Nor for individuals, neither for the society as a whole. It has repercussions that go a lot beyond our profile on social media. We condition and recondition ourselves to live a certain way; without realising, get an image of other people thats incomplete. 

I believe this selective sharing that our society conditions us to do, so skilfully, is really killing parts of individuals. And you really can't be half dead, can you?

6 (or 7) thoughts I would like to share today..

Trying to control the future or the past is actually giving up control. And yes I mentioned past too.. 

SHOW of strength is usually a cover up of vulnerability. 

Whats the point of falling in love if it doesn't change you?

We make a bigger deal of things by not talking about it. 

The person who can share their weaknesses and vulnerabilities is stronger than the person who doesn't!

And my favourite,

Complete acceptance makes perception equal to reality. 

P.S. Maths can be as creative as you can make it! 

Can't think of a title! 😂

Stay on the ground
No messing around
What you have said
We only accept
If through our limitations
We can process
Not perception
Not realization,
Just plain logical deduction
Safe it is and sound it is
Walking with two feet on ground it is

Saying to all what they can accept
Leaving out thy individual aspect
Cause fear oh fear rules our world
No faith beyond what is confirm
So claimers of the space beyond
Are weird, scary, not the norm

Only explain where we can walk
Ur wings are urs
Dont use them, block
And water, oh its only for the fish,
After all, can u in water breathe?
But to those who think that fish and birds
Are inferior to ur logical brain
It shows ur fear , ur limitation
Not greatness, far from perception

Just like the fish and birds that fly
U might have ur wings, those gills
But oh no use, no use are they
To taste the feel of sand on land

Be open to what u can see
And much beyond what can be perceived
Cause no u weren't just meant to walk
It is but just one small support
A walking stick for a mountaineer

So let all and leave all
Take u, leave u, experience u
Open ur heart and brain and soul
And Infinite will become thy life!

Why can't I cry?

In the last few days I have been close to tears multiple times, sometime for hours together. I'm not sure whether it is Yatra blues or some catharsis of sorts brought to surface by this amazing and overwhelming experience. But for some reason I just can't bring it out. In fact sometimes even when I'm enjoying a lot, these emotions surface. But then its as if I just switch off. Something shuts down. The circuit trips because of overloading.

It leaves me feeling very stifled. I don't know why I made these choices of wanting to be 'strong' all the time. Now when I don't want it, when I want to reverse it, it seems like an impossible task.

I genuinely feel being able to cry is a sign of strength, not weakness.

I hope someday this understanding goes deeper within and I can cry freely! 

Good or Bad? None, Fuck you!!

Why is everything good or bad? Why are we either good at something or bad at it? Why is the right to do something only there if you are good at it? Why can't we just be, just do; for the joy of it, for the love of it?

I think this dichotomy puts a lot of pressure on people, to experiment, to explore..
I'm not saying don't be honest, let people who aren't 'good' at something , in the social sense of it, be told that they are amazing at it. But let them be, why can't a bad singer sing or dance their heart out? Don't make superstars out of them, but at least give the space to do it!

I feel this method of functioning of society slowly kills the joy out of individuals, filling us with fear for even the slightest bit of expression, moulding us into the shape of this socially acceptable area of safety.

Being intellectual, mature, socially acceptable doesn't make the heart beat, nor does it make our soul smile....and I believe that really is what matters!