Darkness, fear and anxiety..

This is one of my journal entries..

"I want to journal all, even the dark sides of the journey, cause thats fair, thats even. All sides.

I feel like I'm in such dark places, and then I keep spiralling in, within; in and in. I dunno how is this even possible. And its paralysing, I can't move, how much ever I try. I am in such a dark limbo, and its all in my head, I know. I know some good music or talking to friend, just generally, not even about this..will break it, break the chains that bind me.
But I have no courage, no energy, I want to stop existing..I want a crocodile to bite me, so that Im inside and I can't see any of this world. I want to become as tiny as an atom, and tinier still and then disappear from this planet cause mere existence is too much effort. Effort that I can't take anymore. "


Now I don't think its innately a problem; feeling so anxious and so much fear. It was a necessary part of my journey. What I feel really is the problem is that its 'weird' to talk about such things, even to the closest people. Forget closest people, to even acknowledge it yourself. We tend to self censor and self manipulate ourselves to forget about it once we are out of such spaces, but thats no real solution.

The whole purpose of sharing this is that I feel such conversations shouldn't be weird. In fact it should be pretty normal, at least within yourself and your close ones..If you feeling anything remotely 'not normal', its okay, we all do at some points in our lives, and believe it or not, they do have a purpose too. So be open to sharing with and listening to loved ones around you!

To anyone who wants to have such conversations, I'm all ears! 

Kuch Kahi, Kuch Ankahi Batein

Akho se jab mili akhein,
Sach ka jaise hua samna,
Kafi sari batein ho gayi,
Ek mehsoos hua raabta,

Kuch machal sa gaya dill mein,
Jeene jaise laga hai woh,
Boht sare salo ke baad,
dhadakne jaise laga hai woh,

Awaaz jab sunayi deti thi tumhari,
Phir chahe woh tumhari sunheri hasi,
Ya pyaar se dost ko pukarna,
Bina control ke chehre pe,
Ye bada smile aa jata tha

Nahin malum yeh kya hai,
Sach batao toh boht darr hai,
Hamesha pyaar ko naapa hai, tola hai,
Par yaha sirf mehsoos karna hai

Na naam usko koi dena hai,
Na kaam usse kuch lena hai,
Bus sachai se judna hai

Translation :p

A lot was said,
Without these words,
When even for a moment,
Ur eyes met mine

Truth revealed,
Masks unveiled,
A connection, I felt

My heart started beating,
It felt alive,
After a very very long time

When I would hear u,
Ur simple, adorable laugh,
Or calling out to a friend *censored*
Without any control
I would have a huge ass smile
Spread across my face

Honestly I'm very scared,
Cause every time I have measured love,
Processed it,
Made a process of it

But this time,
I just want to feel it,
Experience it
Fall in it, get lost in it,
No giving it any labels,
Just being what is true

Suspended Education

I have recently started studying for Actuaries exams and have decided to study it exactly the way I want to, rather than how I'm expected to. In the process, Im trying to use many tools other than what is conventionally available to me. So I try to connect, extrapolate, go back to history(my subjects are math and stats)
In the process I realised that how suspended our education is. I have always been very vocal about my dislike, actually hate for our education system, the mainstream Indian Education; because of its pointlessness and meaninglessness. Nor is connected to origin, neither to effect. By this I mean that neither does it explain where a particular topic or subject comes from (origin) or why you should learn it and how you can use it(effect). Its just some random suspended piece of Information lying in the air. We are beings who work on connection, especially to remember things. So it won't ever permanently become a part of us, this education. And then we wonder why is there no value addition inspite of so much education.
But an interesting insight I got is that even western education (by which I mean UK, USA and the likes, whose education is highly marketed, there might be other western countries doing it differently) is partially suspended, in the sense that it is connected to effect, but not to origin. What I mean is that you know how and where to use what you are studying, but you do not understand where it is coming from, the intuition and organic understanding is lacking. In this process we can forget about it if we get out of touch in using it.
I feel true education, the most powerful empowerment will happen if understanding of both origin and effect, of whatever you are learning, become a part of the system.